Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
The air taste purple.
Randomize
