From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
