if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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