I'm going to jail i love you
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
