and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
