Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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