I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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