she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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