College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
