I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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