I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
