Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
