Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
