Tell her she can't have a vagina
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Randomize
