somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
