not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
