did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
