I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
