Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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