i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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