Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
