i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
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