he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
