guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
