We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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