im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
