I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
