ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
