I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
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