i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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