I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize