my mouth tastes like poor choices
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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