He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
