My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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