I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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