Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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