you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
