if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
