Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
