i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize