Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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