Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
