You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize