I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
