i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Four minutes until I can fart!
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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