last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize