ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
