i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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