you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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