Moan for me like Helen Keller
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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