Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
