I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
