Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It's blow job season.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
