omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
