My sheets look like a crime scene.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
