Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
