I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
