you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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