I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
