ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I didn't notice because vodka
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize