she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize