I hate all girls vehemently.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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