I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I was not drunk enough for that final.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
