she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
