Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
